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HOUSE M.D. FIC: Prompt Treatment

Title: Prompt Treatment
Fandom: House M.D.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: A stitch in time saves nine. Inspired by bridals ’ recent challenge/contest on sick_wilson , but not an official entry for reasons that will shortly become obvious. Dialogue-only, House/Wilson slash.
Thanks: To my beta jezziejay . This is, like, the fluffiest cancer fic I can conceive of writing, and I’m certain it’s all her fault.


1. Peanut Butter

You’re home early! 



Why do you taste like peanut butter?

Didn’t expect you back. And I’m too lazy to cook for one.

I wouldn’t have objected to leftovers, you know. Hold on… we’re out of bread.

Wait for it…

You ate it straight out of the jar with a spoon, didn’t you?

You got me. Except for the part about the spoon.


Relax, Mr. Cranky-pants. I’ll order some takeout.

And we’re not watching “Jersey Shore” tonight.


I’ve got a better idea.


2. Boxershorts [sic]

Come on, get your damned boxer shorts off. I’ve got my hands full over here.


I stand corrected. Pass me the- yeah.

Sssss… Oh yeah. (coughs)

Hang on.

God, don’t stop now, you’re killing me over here. House. House? Is something wrong?

Not sure. Turn your head and cough again.

What, we’re role-playing now? Seriously, you think this is funny?

Cough again.

(coughs) Well, what is it? Don’t tell me you felt something.

I think we should schedule some tests first thing in the morning.


3. Blood

House, why is Wilson having his blood drawn?

PSA test.

Seriously? But that isn’t standard practice. He has no family history of prostate cancer, and he’s not even forty-five yet.

You know Wilson, always trying to set a good example for his pedes patients.

Knock it off. House, tell me. Did you have a specific reason for recommending that he have the test done?

Don’t I always?

An anomaly was found during a routine digital exam?

Yeah… let’s go with that.


4. Donation

You came.

Had to keep an eye on things. Wouldn’t want any damage done to my favorite piece of real estate because one of those scalpel monkeys got careless.


In fact, I brought you something to wear as a reminder.

“Property of Gregory House M.D.”? I’m touched. Hey, where’s the other one?

It’s not for your foot.

Oh, come on!

What? It matches your eyes.

No it doesn’t.

True. More importantly, it matches my eyes.

Still not wearing it.

By the way, I was thinking… if you need a tissue donation afterwards, I know exactly who to call.

Wait a minute, are you…

He owes you one. No, two. And we already know he’s one of the biggest dicks on the Eastern Seaboard.

House, that’s not funny.

Oh come on, it’s a little bit funny… Jim.


5. Recovery

Brought you a little get-well-soon gift.

Um. Is that doll supposed to be…

Yes, you! With a bandage indicating the affected area. I had it custom made.

It… isn’t anatomically correct.

What, not to scale? I gave them the measurements myself.

No, I mean that’s not actually where the bandage… forget it.

Admit it, you think it’s hilarious. I saw that!

Ow. You do know where the expression “keeping me in stitches” comes from, don’t you?

Shouldn’t that be “keeping you out of stitches”?

Go away.

Fine. Call me if you need anything.

I wasn’t allowed to keep my cell phone.

Use this.

A dog whistle? But you won’t be able to hear it.

True, but Hector will.

Hector’s here?

Just a temporary loan. Why are you giving me that look?

House… if you need some company while I’m waiting to be discharged…

Don’t be ridiculous. I just borrowed him for his ears.


Go back to sleep, Wilson.




( 23 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 24th, 2011 03:38 am (UTC)
I love dialog fics. And this one was very enjoyable.

What, not to scale? I gave them the measurements myself.

No, I mean that’s not actually where the bandage… forget it.

I could hear the voices saying this sort of stuff and see the expressions on their faces! :)
Mar. 24th, 2011 03:48 am (UTC)
Hearing House/Wilson dialogue in my head is just about the most enjoyable thing ever. Glad to hear you liked it too! :)
Mar. 24th, 2011 03:58 am (UTC)
"It’s not for your foot."
Ahem... there must be some reason why Wilson is such a success, but really, foot-long?

Most of all, I loved the opening peanut butter dialog, but the whole fic felt true to life - including the House/Cuddy exchange. [It is Cuddy, right? It sounds like her.]

As for the contest, there was no slash, just a routine digital exam so I think your entry qualifies ;-).

Mar. 24th, 2011 11:48 am (UTC)
Ahem... there must be some reason why Wilson is such a success, but really, foot-long?
Hee... *snort*.

Yes, that's meant to be Cuddy, so I'm glad that it sounds like her.

Thanks for your comments!
Mar. 24th, 2011 04:27 am (UTC)
Oh, this is terrific! And I loved the callback to Tucker, one of the biggest dicks on the Eastern Seaboard. Too true!
Mar. 24th, 2011 11:46 am (UTC)
The idea of Tucker being asked to return Wilson's favor seemed too good to pass up.

Thanks for your comments!
Mar. 24th, 2011 05:53 am (UTC)
An anomaly was found during a routine digital exam?

Yeah… let’s go with that.

lol, love it! A fluffy cancer story - quite an accomplishment :)
Mar. 24th, 2011 11:44 am (UTC)
Hee, that's one of the first exchanges I wrote, and my favorite.

Thanks for your comments!
(Deleted comment)
Mar. 24th, 2011 11:44 am (UTC)
Well, for a prostatectomy they can either go through the abdomen or through the perineum; either way, that's not where the bandage goes ;). And House didn't feel anything when he had his hands full; it was afterwards, during the, ahem, digital exam.

And yeah, Tucker makes such a convenient punching bag; I couldn't resist.
Mar. 24th, 2011 07:58 am (UTC)
A fluffy, funny, feel-good cancer story. I'm not quite sure I can wrap my brain around that sentence, but I loved it. You captured their voices perfectly. Brilliant!
Mar. 24th, 2011 11:40 am (UTC)
A fluffy, funny, feel-good cancer story.
Hee, this is a better summary than mine.

Thank you!
Mar. 24th, 2011 09:13 am (UTC)
This is adorable, in a strange way. Great IC!
Mar. 24th, 2011 11:39 am (UTC)
Hee! Thank you.
Mar. 24th, 2011 11:59 am (UTC)
Good story! Dialog only format was a success!
It was a pleasant surprise that you mentioned Hector :) I'm a real fan of this little fluffy dog. In canon he was so sweet.
Mar. 24th, 2011 12:13 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I really like the dialog-only format for comic pieces.

And canon Hector was a big brat, but endearing. Kind of like House.
Mar. 24th, 2011 04:51 pm (UTC)
A fluffy and angst free cancer story. Perhaps this should be a new sick!Wilson challenge. lol. Brilliant.
Mar. 24th, 2011 09:46 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much! :)
Mar. 24th, 2011 10:29 pm (UTC)
Still awesome :D And this line - Oh come on, it’s a little bit funny… Jim. FTW!!

And I'm very happy to take the blame ;)
Mar. 24th, 2011 10:56 pm (UTC)
Thanks! Mwah ha ha.
Mar. 25th, 2011 02:09 am (UTC)
Great fic! Their voices were clear and IC. Thanks for posting this.
Mar. 25th, 2011 02:56 am (UTC)
Thanks for letting me know that you liked it!
Oct. 24th, 2013 07:28 pm (UTC)
An anomaly was found during a routine digital exam?

Yeah… let’s go with that.

This is one of my favorite fic lines ever, and I'm glad I found this fic again so I could say so. :)
Oct. 24th, 2013 08:34 pm (UTC)
Hee! Glad you enjoyed it, and thanks very much for letting me know!
( 23 comments — Leave a comment )



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